December Thoughts

It's December again and with it comes holiday's, joy and blessings. For me, December is one of the hardest months out of the year. Why? December is the month in which I lost someone very close to my heart. December 4th is a date that changed my life forever. I  lost one of my best friends, one of my family members, one of my biggest fans. I lost someone that I trusted through thick and thin to be strong and get me through. I lost my brother. 

It was October 26th, 2007 that my brother was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. This happened just days after my mother had been diagnosed with breast cancer. I was young, and didn't really understand what this meant. This cancer was basically a death sentence. 

All throughout the 25 months of fighting this cancer, my brother was strong and I was convinced that he would make it. I was absolutely sure the God would make him the first survivor of this terrible cancer. 

I remember sitting by his bed, moments after the doctors told us that he would die within the next few days. I remember praying, begging God to preform a miracle. Even after we lost him, I couldn't accept the fact that he was gone. I was constantly thinking, Why would God do this? What did my family do wrong? Why would he take someone that made such a difference? Why? 

I felt alone, scared and I was mad at God. I was mad at him for taking my best friend, my brother, the person who made me laugh. People tried to help me, but I shut them out. I wasn't willing to listen to anything about God. I only wanted to hear what I wanted to hear. 

It wasn't until summer camp of 2014 that I finally let it go. I finally let God comfort me. I will never regret that day. All of my burden was gone and God was in control. I felt relieved and joyful. 

Although I'll never completely get over the loss of my brother, I do have hope of seeing him again one day in heaven. 

Below is a note I recently wrote to him. 

Dear Andrew, I miss you. Life isn't the same without you. Sometimes I wonder why you left, but then I remember where you are and who you're with, and I try to be happy. I know you would want me to be happy! I wish you were here to make me laugh every second of the day.... I wish you were here to take absolutely crazy selfies with me... I wish you could play sports with me.... I wish you could meet some of my new friends. But at the same time, it makes me happy that you're safe and sound. It makes me glad that my little cutie of a brother is in no more pain. It makes me happy to think that you are experiencing the joys of heaven. Whenever I'm at Olive Garden, I can still hear you laughing at me trying to slurp my noodles out of the bowl during our noodle eating contests. I still can see you smile when I make a ditzy comment. I can still hear you saying CHARIS WAYNE SMITH when I didn't come when you called. Because that's all I have left... Happy memories... Memories of Disney world roller coasters, memories of traveling to so many places. Memories of meeting the MSU teams. I even remember the time when you were into cows... I remember having to sing REALLLLY LOUD to carry over your absolutely obnoxious, but amazing, alto voice... It makes me both sad and happy to think about this. But what makes me REALLY happy, is to think about the even better times we will have in heaven together. I can't wait till I see you again!! I love you SO SO MUCH!!! I miss you more every day!! 😘😘😘 Love Your sis, Charis Wayne

~Charis

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